Types of questions that help grow and nurture great    relationships include:

1. Questions that start with WHAT or HOW, such as “How could I really help make this situation better?”
2. Questions that include both people in the relationship, such as “What can WE do to help make our marriage great?”
3. Questions that give your partner the benefit of the doubt, such as “What could my wife be needing that I am missing?”

Avoid WHY questions and YES/NO questions in order to get the best answers.

If you would like the “100 Questions to Ask Your Partner on Date Night,” please click here.

Here’s to amazing relationships!

Often, when couples come to me, I ask, “What is the obstacle in your marriage?” The husband often says, “I can never seem to make her happy. She just wants to fight and argue.” The wife often says, “He just won’t talk with me and do chores around the house. We don’t communicate.”

The good news is that this is a very “fixable” opportunity for growth for this marriage. The bad news is that I have seen marriages become stale roommate relationships or even end up in divorce over such “fixable” matters.

The couple describes how they try to talk things out, but they just fight all the time…with the husband eventually shutting down and the wife getting more critical. They are often surprised when I ask them, “What would happen if you stopped communicating so much?” (I then hear a deafening silence over the phone.) My next question is, “How could you both enhance the quality of minimal verbal communication?” Discussion regarding what quality communication could look like in their marriage becomes the topic for the next few sessions.

Focus on the QUALITY of how you both communicate verbally/non-verbally vs. how much.

Tips for improving the quality of your communication, and ultimately, the quality of your relationship include:

1. Appreciate male and female differences in communication styles. Asking a man to sit and talk about his feelings is like asking him to poke his eyeballs out! And, women need consistent reassurance that they are loved no matter what. When a couple understands those concepts fully, strategic communication…not necessarily MORE communication can occur.

2. Change your focus. Instead of looking at how your partner is contributing to the problem, focus on how YOU are contributing to the problem and the intentions of your partner’s behavior.

3. Appreciate MORE. Focus on 75% of what comes out of your mouth be words of appreciation, acknowledgement of what your partner has done right, or words of encouragement regarding your partner’s strengths. Also, your partner may have a “nugget of truth” in their perspective of the situation. YOU may not be really “hearing” your partner as well as you could.

3. Avoid relationship poison. Criticism, defensiveness, shutting down, or snarly sarcasm/name calling verbally or non-verbally is like poison to any relationship. Keeping such behaviors to a minimum while working through a challenge

4. Think “same team”…..that you both have each other’s best interest at heart. When relationships hit rough waters, partners often begin taking their partner’s behaviors personally. Realize your partner behaves in certain ways for lots of reasons. Then you will stop over-reacting and making the problem worse. Ask the question, “How can WE make this situation better?”

5. Change your habits. SHOW how much you want this relationship to be a happy one by YOUR actions and habits. When couples begin to understand that the majority of communication is in the habits and actions CHOSEN to give the relationship, more progress toward a better relationship is made.

6. Let go of control. Sometimes one or both partners think communicating “their way” is the best or only way to solve the problem. Often, with the help of a relationship coach or someone more objective, other options can be considered.

So….MORE communication or even BETTER VERBAL communication is not always the answer. What YOU THINK and DO DIFFERENTLY vs. what you say can have the greatest impact on relationship outcomes!

(Other actions are necessary if you are married to a chronic cheater, a person addicted to alcohol/drugs or gambling, or a person who is physically abusive.)

Much joy and peace,

Kim

I have to be honest……winter is truly NOT my favorite season! However, having moved across the country a few years ago to an area that has a pretty harsh winter for approximately 7 months out of the year, I had to rethink this whole winter thing! (It doesn’t help that my husband loves winter and gets excited when it is 44 degrees BELOW zero!) No longer could I make excuses about not doing something because it was cold and snowy. Otherwise, I would rarely do anything! Ha!

So, I now make sure that I have LOTS of brightly-colored cold weather gear, pursue activities that involve snow – such as snowshoeing, walking my dogs in snow, and ice fishing (well, socializing while others actually ice fish!!!). I cannot say, that during a blizzard, I haven’t chosen a pajama day here or there, however, I have had to be more conscientious of my attitude and choices I make in order to keep my internal weather sunny and warm!

Our relationships are much the same way. As a marriage coach, I work with couples who feel they are truly in the “winter” of their relationship and see no sunny, spring days ahead. They can only see their partner’s hurtful behaviors, lack of ability to communicate, or lack of attention. Often, both partners feel they no longer really matter to the other partner, despite love that may still be present. And passion???? Well, what is that?

As I have stated in previous posts, amazing relationships are more about the habits that are created than love. Love is usually not the issue. The patterns of behavior, or habits couples choose, allow the marriage to thrive or hurt the marriage.

Couples, who are smart and successful in other areas of their lives,  sometimes unknowingly choose to neglect or poison their most intimate relationships with nasty relationship habits. According to John Gottman, a well-known researcher regarding marriage, he has found four key behaviors that are detrimental to relationships. These behaviors are SO detrimental to relationships that Gottman has been able to predict marriages that thrive vs. fail over time.

These 4 behaviors that truly promote “winter” in relationships, if not the death of the relationship, include:

1. Criticism – Focusing on one person being right and the other person as wrong or using phrases such as “you should,” “you never,” you always.
2. Contemptuous behavior – rolling eyes, name-calling, cursing, insults, sarcasm, hostile humor, curling upper lip.
3. Defensiveness – Viewing self as the victim and partner as the attacker, making excuses for your behavior, cross-complaining and ignoring what your partner has said, or “yes, butting.”
4. Stonewalling -Changing the subject, walking away to avoid conflict, silent treatment. Partner perceives it as disconnection, disapproval, and that their thoughts and feelings do not matter.

The good news is that when both partners begin to:

1. Avoid harmful communication habits when expressing wants
and needs.

2. Focus primarily on meeting their partner’s emotional needs (as
explained in a future post!)…..cherishing their partner,

the marriage begins to shift in lasting ways.

Then the winter weather is lifted…and, as they begin to see light on the horizon, even more momentum with other concepts and skills can take them out of winter….into Spring!

Here it is….the holiday season. For some people, cheer is nowhere to be found. The thought of giving gifts and celebrating with family and friends only seems to accentuate loneliness, anger, and hurt. Life feels too complicated to even consider feeling merry about anything.

All you know is that you are ready to leave your marriage. You feel pain at the thought of such a loss, but the pain you have endured for so long has to stop. You have lost your identity. You don’t feel you matter nor do you like the person you have become. You think you have tried everything to make life better between you and your partner.

What if there was still one more “try” that could save you from:

The expenses of a divorce.
Heartache from making the same mistakes again.
Going against your core values of love, family and commitment.
Bitterness and anger that doesn’t leave when your partner does.
The very negative impact on your kids and family.

In working with couples on the brink of divorce, the issues are rarely about how much love is present, but about good people choosing relationship habits that can destroy the relationship. You can leave a marriage, but you do not leave your habits behind. Instead, you take those habits into the next relationship or decide to give up on believing that a strong, loving marriage is even possible.

Common responses for couples who are stuck in a vicious cycle include:

“He won’t change.”
“She is such a nag.”
“My partner won’t participate.”
“I cannot trust my partner anymore.”
“My partner is so selfish.”
“I am not sure I WANT to be with my partner anymore.”

Sound familiar?
So, consider hiring a relationship coach who can help you take action and bring the essence of your relationship to the surface in order for you to live in such a way that you positively impact yourself, your marriage, your family as well as other areas of your life. The ripple effects from such a GIFT could go past your lifetime!

Okay…..your eyes are not playing tricks on you….this picture is not only a “not-so-great” version of me, but it is truly out of focus. My youngest son had to endure hanging out at the hair salon one day, and boredom got the best of him. He found the camera in my purse and became totally focused on taking pictures of anything and everything!

1. What is already working in the relationship?

2. What do each of you want for this marriage?

3. What will that give your relationship?

4. How do YOU want to show up in this relationship?

5. What would support this identity for you?

6. What would you like to start happening and stop happening in your relationship right now?

7. What talents, strengths, and gifts does your spouse contribute to the relationship?

8. What strengths and values do YOU have that could contribute MORE to the relationship?

9. What resources and alternatives could help empower this vision you both have?

10. What would these changes mean for you, your spouse, and others in your life? 

So, don’t let your relationship continue to look like my “bad hair-do” photo. Take some time to reflect on these questions with the one you love!

“A vision we give to [ourselves] of who and what [we] could become has power when it echoes what the spirit has already spoken into [our] souls.” ~Larry Crabb